This can't be happening

I never thought miscarriage would happen to me.

On September 20th, I found out that I was pregnant. Brian and I were ecstatic and felt extremely lucky that it happened the first month that we started trying (especially since I've been baby hungry for three years now). My pregnancy app said baby would be due May 30th. I called and scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN. Everything was new and exciting. My relationship with Brian was the best it's ever been. We had so much fun just talking about what our little one was going to be like. Our lives were never going to be the same. But in a way I wasn't expecting....

On October 7th, while I was at work, I started cramping. It didn't feel like the normal cramps you get the first weeks of pregnancy. It felt like period cramps. After 45 minutes, I decided to go to the bathroom to make sure it was nothing serious. There was blood on my underwear. NO. There was even more blood when I wiped. NO. This can't be happening. It's okay. I'm probably just psyching myself out. I look in the toilet and it's filled with blood. I start crying immediately. I text Brian: What do I do? He tells me to call the doctor. Once I get the strength, I call. They want me to come in asap to get things checked out. I immediately go home. I can't handle work right now.

I go home. More blood in the toilet when I go to the bathroom. No. This isn't real. I lay in my bed and wait the two hours until my appointment. I cry. A lot. I arrive at the doctor's before Brian. The nurse starts taking my blood pressure. My heart is already racing. The nurse tells me my blood pressure is pretty high. I start bawling like crazy. Brian walks in and assumes I have already found out the news.... The nurse gives me a glass of water. She takes my blood pressure again and it's normal that time.

We go into the ultrasound room. The nurse tells me to take off my pants and sit in the chair with the covering over me. When the doctor comes in, I am doing pretty good. No crying at this point. He puts the wand in, shows me where my uterus is and where the sac is. No baby. He says this can mean two things: I'm earlier in my pregnancy than I thought, or I miscarried. I'm 100% sure when my last period was, so I know I'm not any earlier than 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. I know I miscarried.

He tells me there are three things I need to know about miscarriage: It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. Of course I think it's my fault. Is it because I've been stressed out with grad school and work? Is it because I drank that soda the other day? Is it because I took some medicine I shouldn't have? I started crying [again] when he told me that. I know that miscarriage was not my fault, and yet I find myself needing to blame myself for it. The doctor told me to get some lab work done at the hospital. He leaves and I slowly put my pants back on. Blood is left on the pad of the chair I was just sitting on....I'm crying hysterically at this point and latch onto Brian. This can't be happening. Why is this happening?

I get the lab work done at the hospital and then return home. Brian had to go back to work. I went home by myself. I spent the next couple hours crying some more. I talked to my mom and that helped. I went to the bathroom again and saw the blood clots. No. This can't be happening.

I wanted so much to meet this baby. To hold this baby. This special, precious baby that was mine. In an instant, my sweet baby was taken away from me.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I'm not ashamed that I miscarried. We need to remove the stigma from miscarriage. It's more common that we think. If you've experienced miscarriage and want to talk about it, please reach out to me. I'd love to hear from you.

I'm so grateful for the support we have been given this past week. Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, flowers, and kind words. This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I never imagined it would be this painful.

I know that we will eventually get pregnant again and hold a baby that I desire so much. But saying, "Don't worry, you'll get pregnant again" isn't helpful. I know I will get pregnant again. But in this life, I will never get to hold THIS baby that I lost. I hold on to the knowledge that one day I will get to meet my little one. I will just have to wait a little bit longer than I was expecting.

I love you my little one.

xoxo 

your mama