This can't be happening

I never thought miscarriage would happen to me.

On September 20th, I found out that I was pregnant. Brian and I were ecstatic and felt extremely lucky that it happened the first month that we started trying (especially since I've been baby hungry for three years now). My pregnancy app said baby would be due May 30th. I called and scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN. Everything was new and exciting. My relationship with Brian was the best it's ever been. We had so much fun just talking about what our little one was going to be like. Our lives were never going to be the same. But in a way I wasn't expecting....

On October 7th, while I was at work, I started cramping. It didn't feel like the normal cramps you get the first weeks of pregnancy. It felt like period cramps. After 45 minutes, I decided to go to the bathroom to make sure it was nothing serious. There was blood on my underwear. NO. There was even more blood when I wiped. NO. This can't be happening. It's okay. I'm probably just psyching myself out. I look in the toilet and it's filled with blood. I start crying immediately. I text Brian: What do I do? He tells me to call the doctor. Once I get the strength, I call. They want me to come in asap to get things checked out. I immediately go home. I can't handle work right now.

I go home. More blood in the toilet when I go to the bathroom. No. This isn't real. I lay in my bed and wait the two hours until my appointment. I cry. A lot. I arrive at the doctor's before Brian. The nurse starts taking my blood pressure. My heart is already racing. The nurse tells me my blood pressure is pretty high. I start bawling like crazy. Brian walks in and assumes I have already found out the news.... The nurse gives me a glass of water. She takes my blood pressure again and it's normal that time.

We go into the ultrasound room. The nurse tells me to take off my pants and sit in the chair with the covering over me. When the doctor comes in, I am doing pretty good. No crying at this point. He puts the wand in, shows me where my uterus is and where the sac is. No baby. He says this can mean two things: I'm earlier in my pregnancy than I thought, or I miscarried. I'm 100% sure when my last period was, so I know I'm not any earlier than 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. I know I miscarried.

He tells me there are three things I need to know about miscarriage: It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. Of course I think it's my fault. Is it because I've been stressed out with grad school and work? Is it because I drank that soda the other day? Is it because I took some medicine I shouldn't have? I started crying [again] when he told me that. I know that miscarriage was not my fault, and yet I find myself needing to blame myself for it. The doctor told me to get some lab work done at the hospital. He leaves and I slowly put my pants back on. Blood is left on the pad of the chair I was just sitting on....I'm crying hysterically at this point and latch onto Brian. This can't be happening. Why is this happening?

I get the lab work done at the hospital and then return home. Brian had to go back to work. I went home by myself. I spent the next couple hours crying some more. I talked to my mom and that helped. I went to the bathroom again and saw the blood clots. No. This can't be happening.

I wanted so much to meet this baby. To hold this baby. This special, precious baby that was mine. In an instant, my sweet baby was taken away from me.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I'm not ashamed that I miscarried. We need to remove the stigma from miscarriage. It's more common that we think. If you've experienced miscarriage and want to talk about it, please reach out to me. I'd love to hear from you.

I'm so grateful for the support we have been given this past week. Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, flowers, and kind words. This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I never imagined it would be this painful.

I know that we will eventually get pregnant again and hold a baby that I desire so much. But saying, "Don't worry, you'll get pregnant again" isn't helpful. I know I will get pregnant again. But in this life, I will never get to hold THIS baby that I lost. I hold on to the knowledge that one day I will get to meet my little one. I will just have to wait a little bit longer than I was expecting.

I love you my little one.

xoxo 

your mama

We found a place to live!

We are super excited. The apartments are called Cresthaven and they are located in Lehi, 5 minutes from Brian's new job. They are brand new this year. We will be on the top floor, which means vaulted ceilings. It's a 2 bedroom/2 bath and comes with a garage, patio, and extra storage attached to the patio. Here are some pictures I took when we went through it for the first time. This won't be our exact apartment but it will look the same. We move in July 12th! Can't wait. Now everyone needs to come visit us! (the second bedroom has its own bathroom...hope that's incentive enough) :)

Cresthaven Apartments

Kitchen

Living room

Master bedroom

MY CLOSET! (and Brian's) but mostly MINE!

Master bathroom

Second bedroom

Closet in second bedroom

Second bathroom

Second bathroom

Our own washer/dryer! I'm in heaven!

Come visit us! :)

Our Apartments

Brian got a job! Woohoo! He starts his new job at 97th Floor (a Digital Marketing Agency) in Lehi this Wednesday. His official title is "Junior Digital Marketer"and he is excited to learn lots. Since he will be working in Lehi (30 mins North of Provo), we have been looking at new places to live, somewhere closer to his work. We will most likely be moving to Pleasant Grove in mid-July. Although Provo has been great to us, we are excited to move on. We're also looking forward to moving into a bigger/nicer apartment. Our apartment has served us well and we are ready to move on to something better! I am feeling sentimental so I've decided to post some pictures of all the apartments we've lived in. I can't believe we've lived in 3 apartments in only 1.5 years of marriage. I'm hoping once we move this summer we will be there for at least two years! I hate moving.

Apartment #1:
A dinky basement apartment at 240 N 400 E in Provo. When our family helped move us in the week before the wedding, we could tell they were shocked. You're going to live here? It only had a kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom, no living room. We were tired of it after four months. I needed a living room!

There she is in all her glory. Our door was around the back and down some creepy stairs.

Apartment #2:

Good ol' Heritage Court #138. We moved here May 2013. I was just excited to have a living room! We could finally have people over. The people who lived in the apartment before us left the loveseat and we got the couch at DI. After some steam cleaning, it was good to go!

Apartment #3:
We only lived in our second apartment for 6 weeks, at which point we put all of our stuff in storage and worked for Road Scholar the entire summer! We stayed in a hotel the entire two months so we didn't need to pay for rent. When we came back in August, we moved back into the same building at Heritage Court, just in a different apartment (#231). So everything looks pretty much the same, it's just reversed. We got new couches a couple weeks ago, so that's exciting! I'd like to think that I've gotten better at the whole decorating thing. Brian wouldn't move out of the way for the pictures, so I guess you can call him my model.

He's a natural.

Well that's it! I'll be sure to post pictures of our new place once we get there.

Life as of Late

Since I'm all grown up and graduated now, I guess I can let you all know what I've been up to. Let me just say that not being in school is reeeeally nice. I definitely don't miss all the assignments and studying and tests. I live a fairly worry-free life. And it's awesome. To catch up those of you who might not know...I graduated this December in Communication Disorders. Most of the time when I tell people that, they give me a funny look. Uhhh....huh? What is that? Some people make jokes. Oh, so you're studying how men communicate? And a few people actually know about it. That's awesome! There is a big need for that! A Bachelor's in Communication Disorders prepares you to become a Speech-Language Pathologist or Audiologist. Eventually I want to go to graduate school to get my Master's degree, because I won't be able to become a licensed Speech-Language Pathologist without one. I applied to BYU's and the University of Utah's graduate programs, but got denied at both places. :( I'm oddly okay with it though. Not even one tear was shed. They are both pretty competitive. Even though I got a pretty good GPA and GRE score, it didn't level up to all of the other people's applications. There are so many people who want to attend grad school in Utah but there are simply not enough spaces. They only accepted 16 people (out of 80-something) at BYU and around 80 (out of 200) people at the U. I only applied to those two schools because I thought that we would be in Utah county for at least another year, waiting for Brian to graduate. We thought that he would graduate this December. About two weeks ago Brian found out that he will actually be done with his Bachelor's this summer and will be able to walk at graduation with me in April. Which makes me very happy! We will get to take pictures together in our caps and gowns...precious. I guess I could have applied to other graduate programs outside of the state, but I'm not upset about it at all. I guess this is Heavenly Father's way of saying that I'm supposed to be doing something else this year! I'm still trying to figure out what that is, though.

After I graduated in December, I didn't have any jobs lined up. I applied to as many places as I could find, focusing especially on jobs relating to children with special needs. I had one interview at a preschool for children with autism, but that was it. When I got back to Utah after Christmas break, I got a call from Wasatch Mental Health. I had applied there because my friend Anne from my major works at the Giant Steps program and told me I should apply. I'm sure glad I did because I was offered a job! Not at the Giant Steps program, but at a program called Stride. Stride is an after-school behavioral management program for elementary school kids who are suffering from behavioral or emotional issues. I started working there on January 14th and I LOVE IT! It has been such a rewarding experience. Some days can be really challenging, but those are the times that I learn the most. Some days I come home so exhausted. These kids need all the help they can get, but they are some of the greatest kids I have ever met. Even though I've been scratched, kicked, punched, bitten, and even been called profanities, I have learned to love these children with all my heart. This is starting to sound really cheesy but it's true. I'm so lucky that I have this job. Sometimes when I tell Brian about my crazy days he looks at me like Why on earth do you like this job? But for some weird reason I do. I guess it's because I am helping these kids, even if it's very miniscule. I love seeing them progress in this short 13 week program. And it melts my heart when they tell me they love me or are so excited to tell me a story from school or ask if they can give me a hug. These kids are awesome. And this job has definitely reassured me that working with children is what I want to do.

I was also able to manage getting a second part-time job. I've worked at the BYU library since October 2010. Typically once you graduate you are not allowed to work on campus anymore. Well, I got super lucky. My supervisor was able to convince the library administration to keep me until August. I work in the Music Special Collections department as a cataloger. So basically I sit at a desk all morning and catalog old viola scores into the computer. I love this job because it's pretty flexible and I guess I'm weird because I love cataloging. I feel so accomplished when I do it. I work in the music vault at the library, surrounded by really old and expensive scores. I'm trying my best to get it as organized as possible before I leave. When I graduated in December, I was sad to go because at that point I didn't know if I'd be able to continue working there. I'm glad that I was able to come back (even though I took about a 3 month leave). I didn't want to leave my unfinished projects...because I'm OCD like that I guess. So I work at the library in the mornings and then at Wasatch Mental Health in the afternoons. I'm pretty busy, working from 8am-6pm every day but I love both my jobs! I am blessed.

On Mondays and Wednesdays I volunteer at a nearby elementary school for an SLP. She has taught me how to evaluate children on their articulation and give them tips to improve their speech. It's only for about an hour each day but I love it so much! It's fun to finally get to use my major for something, even if I'm not getting paid. I have a list of kids that I visit. I pull them out of their class, for no more than five minutes. We stand right outside of their classroom and they do simple drills and I record their progress. The goal is to have them practice for five minutes a day, making as many productions of the target sound as possible. This 5-minute artic program has proven to be more effective than pulling them out of class for a 20-minute session once or twice a week. The kids also don't miss as much class instruction and get to practice their speech everyday instead of once or twice a week. Anyways, I am really enjoying it and am learning lots from the SLP! It's definitely reassuring to know that I've chosen the right career (you were right all along, mom). :)

I'm currently applying to get a license to become a Speech-Language Technician in Utah. This job is very similar to an SLP, except I will have to work underneath an SLP, get paid less, and won't be able to be the folder-holder for the kids. It's also a lot harder to find an SLT position. Most districts just fill SLP positions first, and if they have a need and they happen to have enough funding, then they will hire SLTs. I'm going to try to do that starting this fall. That way I'll finally have a full-time position and I'll be able to practice for an entire year before I apply to graduate school again. I have no idea if I'll even apply next year or not...and if I do, I have no idea where I'm even though to apply to. But I'm not worried because I know through prayer it will all work out.

Brian will most likely be starting a job at a company called Nuvi once he graduates. He's already working for the company now as a social analyst. Basically he is on twitter all the time, doing "setups" for businesses. It looks like they'll be able to hire him full-time, meaning we will be in Utah for a little bit longer. One year, two years, three years, who knows. I'm just glad that he pretty much has a job lined up! He eventually wants to go to graduate school, most likely to get an MBA. But he'll work for a little bit before he applies anywhere. Basically I feel like we're walking in the dark because I have no idea how much longer we are going to be in Utah for and where we will be going next. I'm just glad that I have Brian to share this crazy ride with.

Well I think my essay is over. I feel like this was more of a journal entry than a blog entry. Hopefully some of you found it interesting!

Next up: our weekend in Zion and our weekend at the cabin.

Weekend in Rexburg

This past Friday we drove up to Rexburg with Brian's parents. We got to play with Asher and then we went to David's senior cello recital on Saturday night. He did a fabulous job and we are so proud of him! We drove back to Provo on Sunday morning and then Val and Judy caught their plane back to North Carolina. Here are some highlights from the trip:

Wearing grandpa's hat

The cutest face you'll ever see.

We drove around the temple after eating at Costa Vida with everyone.

After bath time.

Making the David face. Speaking of David...you can see him warming up for his recital in the background.

He's so kissable.

And then he started reaching for the camera...

I was able to record most of the recital, so here it is!

Lalo Concerto in D minor - I. Prelude (1st half)

Lalo Cello Concerto in D minor - I. Prelude (2^nd half)

Lalo Cello Concerto in D minor - II. Intermezzo

Lalo Cello Concerto in D minor - III. Introduction

Chopin Cello Sonata in G minor, Op. 65 - I. Allegro moderato

Chopin Cello Sonata in G minor, Op. 65 - II. Scherzo

Chopin Cello Sonata in G minor, Op. 65 - III. Largo

And then my phone ran out of space...so I missed most of the third movement and all of the fourth movement. Sorry Davie.